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Funnies

This page is devoted to all the funny jokes, short stories, and interesting trivia sent in by family members. 

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The Persian Rug

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs.  She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.

She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day M'am. How may I help you today?"

Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna
shit when you hear the price."

THE LADY IN A FADED GINGHAM DRESS (from Paul Harvey)
 (fwd. from Paul)


  The lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a
 homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walked
 timidly, without an appointment, into the president of Harvard's outer  office.
 
  The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned.
 
  "We want to see the president", the man said softly.
 
  "He'll be busy all day", the secretary snapped.
 
  "We'll wait", the lady replied.
 
  For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't. The secretary grew  frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted doing. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave", she told him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance  obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested  gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.
 
  The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He  loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to  him, somewhere on campus".
 
  The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam", he said gruffly.  "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and  died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a
statue.  We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard".
 
  The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and  homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars  in the physical property at Harvard".
 
  For a moment, the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now.
 
  The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs  to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband   nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.
 
  Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto,  California, where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
 
  You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those
 who can do nothing for them or to them.

Town Gossip

(fwd. from Paul)

Joan, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals,
recently accused Ray, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. Ray stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Non-Biblical Proverbs

(fwd. from Paul)

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

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